Team Jacob, Indubitably

The big book event of the summer is fast approaching. Book 4 in Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series, Breaking Dawn, comes out at midnight on August 2nd and her loyal readers' excitement is mounting. (As well as their ever increasing use of Facebook flair.)

For those not in the know, the Twilight series tells the story of Bella, who meets her true love, Edward, when she moves in with her dad in the tiny town of Forks, Washington. The hitch? Well, Edward is a vampire of course which rachets up the swoony teen angst factor even more. And to make it more complicated, cause in young adult books it's always more complicated, her best friend, Jacob, is also in love with her. Jacob, who is a werewolf. Natch.

Told you it was complicated.

Since Breaking Dawn is projected to be the last in the series (at least the last told from Bella's point of view, apparently we may yet do it all again from Edward's POV) anticipation over who Bella will choose is running high with the Team Edward vs. Team Jacob debate a scheduled event, one where I expect to be standing solo on the Team Jacob side. Yeah, Edward's gorgeous, sparkly and his kisses somehow manage to be both hot and cold at the same time but he's not the best friend. I always go for the best friend, that's just how I roll. You know how when famous gorgeous celebs are asked what they look for in a man and they say someone who makes them laugh? Well, that's me for real. In movies I always go for the wisecracking best friend second banana guy. You can keep the leading man. Duckie from "Pretty in Pink"-yep, he's for me.

So yeah, even though I think the debate is rather bogus, just a stall to keep us girls busily talking till the new book comes out (I had one customer, a grown woman, who, when I told her of my Team Jacob status said, "That's just not right" with the vehemenace normally reserved for religion or politics) I remain firmly, steadfastly, indubitably on Team Jacob.

The Hoyden: Still Airborne After 10,000 Hits

On the advent of this momentous milestone I say thanks to all my loyal bleaders!

Wit of the Staircase, Again

Yesterday a customer mocked me for my use of the word 'recalcitrant'. It was the perfect word for the situation, the register was acting up i.e. being recalcitrant.

Listen Jackass, it's a bookstore not the Gas n' Sip. You ought to be glad I know and can correctly use words like recalcitrant. It means I'll have a better chance finding whatever it is you need, which you probably only know part of anyway cause you just have that pain in the ass customer vibe written all over you. Yeah, I'm an egghead but at least a have a head and not just a melon taking up space between my shoulders.

Happy Happy TV News

I just found out that Sloane Crosley's book, I Was Told There'd Be Cake, which gave me total penvy, has been bought by HBO.

YES!!

I say, paging Amy Sherman Pallidino-stat! Since that piece of crap Parker Posey show lasted only 2 episodes (canned laughter Amy-really?) I'm pretty sure she's available.

In Deference to the Master

In honor of the late great George Carlin, who died this week, I offer the following ruminations in his honor as no one loved language and exposing its foibles like he did. (And that was his funniest stuff for my money. I saw him live once late in his career when it was more rant than comedy and there were just glimpses of his true brilliance.)

There is no good phrase for trying to get two people together but I think if we put our heads together we can remedy that.

Matchmaking? A wee bit old country and more than a little Tevya I think, ("matchmaker matchmaker make me a match") like at some point the conversation's going to turn into a negotiation about how many goats it's going to take to get the deal done.

Fixing Someone Up? That's not right and very prejudiced againest the poor singleton. What is this, Noah's Ark? What am I, a broken down house bought at foreclosure? And to put all your eggs all in one basket is downright dangerous in my book-saying another can fix you, though it might make for a good Coldplay song, smacks of codependence to me. How about fixing yourself so then other people will be attracted cause you've got your shit together?

Setting Someone Up? That sounds like a friend is arranging some sort of long con or something. How very David Mamet. And you know no one brings the romance like David Mamet. ("My name? Fuck you, that's my name.")

So yeah, I vote we come up with something a liiittle better-language is an active, evolving thing, it just needs our help to get the ball rolling.

Thank You

Dear Mr. President,

My nana was very religious about expressing thanks and that's how she raised me so I am writing to thank you for the check for $600 which arrived this week. Although I confess I am dubious about its success (I'm no economist but if part of the country's economic problem is people not handling money smartly-too much debt etc.-isn't giving them more like giving a bad drunk a free bottle?) it is appreciated. I was going to do my level best to do as you requested and spend it (I'd love a new tattoo or a splashy road trip) as opposed to saving it or paying bills with it, however things have worsened so much since this plan was orginally proposed in January I fear I will likely have to spend it on more prosaic things. I apologize if that does not stimulate the economy in the way you wanted but a girl's gotta eat.

Sincerely,

The Hoyden

Hoyden Seeks Relief from Singles Ads Reality

So the other night while I was on Craigslist doing the job scan thing I got a wild hair and clicked on the 'men seeking women' link. I mean, why not, right? People meet that way all the time. That's how my friend Carrie met her husband Thor and you can't find a picture of them together where they aren't laughing (a sure sign of a good match in my book). And, not that it's the same thing at all, but I got a great cat that way.


Let me allow the use of negative space to express what a HUGE mistake that was.




HUGE.



If this is an example of the men out there I guess I need to start looking for a few more cats cause gentleman I gotta say, I am not impressed. Poor writing aside -punctuation and capitalization speak volumes-(Craigslist is free so go ahead and use complete sentences I say) these ads were pretty sad and not even good for a laugh. The physical part sure seems to weigh heavy on their minds-the word "slim" comes up a lot especially in the 'I'm 300 pounds but you have to be tiny' kind of way.

And I was shocked by the number of married men (or ones who claimed to be married) who were looking for a little something something on the side and how to a man they all swore up and down they would totally spoil their something something girl. Yeah, except if I wanted, you know, all of your time or a commitment or even to call you at your home. Now you could say 'at least they're being honest' but I say 'Yeah, in the ad.' They're certainly not being honest anywhere else.

But the worst and the one that made me close the connection with a shudder was one written by a guy who was looking for a wedding date. His best friend was getting married and as he was currently without a girlfriend (somehow NOT surprising) and he needed one that would totally make the groom jealous. So she had to be big breasted and Asian cause apparently that was the groom's fantasy and he was marrying a woman who was the opposite. Wait, you want me to help you make your best friend unhappy on his wedding day??? He actually said at the end of his ad 'Is this racist? Probably but at least I'm being honest.'

Nice. What a standup guy. Yeah, that's someone I want to spend time with.

The one saving grace was Andy's ad. Andy, who is a bit of a Daniel Radcliffe ringer, has a good job and just bought a house. He's a little shy so his friends placed an ad for him. That got my curiousity up and so I had to ask. And he responded yes, it was true and yes, he is still friends with them. Good luck Andy, I hope you find what you're seeking cause I sure didn't.

Duh.

Last night on the way home from Book Club I got pulled over. I was totally confused as I wasn't even going the speed limit. The officer, after the normal let me look at your papers, told me that I had been driving without my lights on. I looked confusedly at the illuminated road ahead of me and he said, "Those are your running lights." As I fumbled with the turn signal he said, "On your left, mam." Indeed, when I flicked the proper switch all the previously unlit interior functions, which had annoying remained dark despite all previous efforts, blazed obligingly to life. I think it was my squeal of delight that convinced him my ignorance was no put on and he thankfully issued no ticket.

I swear Officer, the blonde color's just out of a box.

Honest.

An Open Letter to the Men in My Life (by Hillary Clinton)

It's a little late but this is the best, most succinct bit about Hillary Clinton I've yet read. It's by Lizzie Skurnick, who's definately on my Top 10 Blogger list. In addition to her own blog, http://www.theoldhag.com/, she also writes the Fine Lines column at Jezebel.com every Friday which rediscovers and celebrates the young adult books of our youth (complete with the original covers that immediately take you back).


An Open Letter to the Men on My Life

Please stop referring to me as any/all of the following:

sad, hurt, angry, resentful, broken, bitter, disillusioned, cynical, impassioned, despairing, disillusioned, delusional, tired, negative.

I am trying to keep healthcare and other concerns of 18 million voters represented in general.

I do not have my period.

The Angel on Her Shoulder

A conversation between Allison Johnson and Paul Newman from Willy Vlautin's novel Northline:


'So, kid, how's the water?'

'At least the water heater's good,' she said.

'This place ain't much, but I think you'll do alright.' He was sitting beisde her on the toilet, drinking a beer.

'You should do like Budweiser.'

'It's the king of beers.'

'I'm a terrible person. I don't know why you ever talk to me.'

'We all have tough times. Remember me in The Verdict. I was drunk as a bum for more than twenty years in that one.'

'But you were a lawyer, you'd gone to college.'

'Listen, kid, you could go to college. Believe me, you're smart enough.'

'You think so?'

'I'm sure of it.'

'I've done some horrible things.'

'We all have. You ever seen Hud?'

'You sure were an asshole in that one.'

'I've been bad. You aren't bad. You just got what I'd call bad nerves. That, my girl, you're gonna have to work on. We got to toughen you up. That's why you're in the boat you're in.'

'I just wish we could disappear together.'

'We do it all the time.'


Feel better and keep doing what you do Paul Newman! There are lots of Allisons out there who need your help and example.

Farewell Tim Russert

Like everyone else I was stunned by the news about Tim Russert. I was a big fan and watched "Meet the Press" faithfully every Sunday (delayed but faithfully). His enthusiam was one of the things making this presidential campaign so much fun to watch and, though it can be dangerous to assume a celebrity's public persona is their true personality, he seemed like a good soul. It was interesting for his death to bookend my week that also featured David Sedaris. At first blush they wouldn't seem to have much in common but they were/are both devoted to family (granted Sedaris' defination of family is a broad, modern one) and they are both people lucky enough to have that rarest of all gifts-their avocation is also their vocation. It is, more than wealth or fame or enduring love, the gift I envy most. It might not be possible for everyone-somebody has to put that bolt on the fridge or pick up the trash-but it seems like it must make things so worthwhile.


So, in Mr. Russert's honor, and for his son who I'm afraid will never look at Father's Day the same way again, a few lines from Mr. Robert Frost:

"But yield who will to their seperation,
my object in living is to unite
my avocation and vocation
as my two eyes make one in sight.
Only where love and need are one,
and the work is play for mortal stakes,
is the deed ever really done
for Heaven and the future's sakes."

from "Two Tramps in Mudtime"


Also, while we're on the subject, a note to MSNBC. Let's get back to the news, shall we? To spend all day Friday eulogizing was fitting (to see Keith Olberman, who I also love, nonsnarky for once truly brought home the gravity of the situation) but I think it's time to get back to it and I gotta believe Tim Russert would be the first to say it. Carry on people.

Oh Irresistable Me

Now I have remarked in this blog before about my tendency to attract the tradesman, the earthy blue collar types. When I was in a relationship it was rather amusing-good blog fodder. Now that I am single...not so funny. I don't know what it is about me. I'd ask a male friend but that's the kind of question that makes them want to shove knives in their eyes and vow never to befriend a non tripod again.

I have never, not once, been hit on by a lawyer or even an academic but UPS deliverymen? Yep. Armored car drivers? Uh-huh. Tonight? It was a whole new wrinkle with a taxi driver idling in the parking lot at Meijers. I parked a couple of spots away and when I turned WeeBug off he asked, "Is that a hybrid?"

Now lots of people have asked me about my new car, which I like. It certainly never happened to me before-when you drive a Corolla that's not too shocking. I even had a conversation at a stoplight the other day with me quickly extolling the virtues of the Yaris before the green. So, thinking this was another of that, I stepped closer to the cab to answer, "No, it's a hybrid wannabe." Then Mr. Taxi Man, who was cleaning his sunglasses, asked, "Are you a hot strawberry blonde?"

Whaa? (Admittedly after a hell of a workday I was more than a little slow on the uptake.)

"Mmm, yeah."

"Are you a real strawberry blonde?"

Excuse me?! I thought we were talking about my car and now, Mr. Taxi Man idling in the Mejier parking lot, you're inquiring if the carpet matches the drapes? WTF? I took one giant step back while Mr. Taxi Man starts to chuckle.

"Well, I guess I was half right. I was going to ask you another question but I don't want to hold up your shopping."

"Uhhh, have a good night" I say hastily over my shoulder as it hits me that maybe the sunglasses weren't the only things getting polished. (Cause you know it's important to be polite to those who seek to flash you.)

Have I mentioned lately how great it is to be single?

David Sedaris Is All About the Love

I went to a David Sedaris signing on Monday. Before I wouldn't have described myself as a super rabid fan, of course he's funny he's David Sedaris but his insistance on the gross has put me off in the past. I was basically going for the company and so a real fan wouldn't have to go alone. But now I am definately a fan. Of course, a humorist should be personable and funny in the flesh, that's kind of in the job description, but Sedaris goes way beyond that. Taking it out of the performer category even he is hands down, one of the most engaging people I have ever met. He's not just funny, he's charming and seems to relish the interaction with fans. I had heard his events were long and now I see why. To just sign your book is not enough, if you don't have a comment or question at hand he'll give you one. For example, he told the woman in line in front of me that her task for the summer was to have sex with a person in a wheelchair and then proceeded to draw the scenerio in her book. I had a question about his cover artist Chip Kidd which he answered seriously while signing the book I brought for someone else (a real fan) "I'm so angry I missed you!"

But the real reason for my change of heart was the second essay in the new book. Entitled "Keeping Up" it talks about how his boyfriend, Hugh (he hates the term "partner" which I heartily agree with) does the tourist thing differently. Hugh blends in wherever they go and effortlessly and speedily makes his way around. David is more pokey and gets frustrated because he spends his time trying to keep up instead of being able to enjoy the place. So as he's madly dashing to not lose Hugh he fantasizes about leaving him-what he'd take, how it'd all go down-until he realizes that Hugh is the one who keeps their relationship train moving-who pays the bills, keeps up the house and by the time he catches up:

"No matter how angry I get, it always comes down to this:I'm going to leave and then what? Move in with my dad? Thirty minutes of pure rage, and when I finally spot him I realize that I've never been so happy to see anyone in my life.

"There you are." I say. And when he asks where I have been, I answer honestly and tell him I was lost."

Not the kind of sentiment that I expected from someone who specializes in stories about being an elf, gross bodily functions (hello Stadium Friend!) and crazy family members. The point was driven home even further during the Q&A when someone asked how Hugh & David met. Apparently David was helping a friend paint an apartment and they needed a ladder. Hugh was the person she knew with a ladder and David said when he saw Hugh he liked his apartment, he liked that there was an apple pie cooking and country music playing. He described it as like when he discovered the title for the new book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames, in a safety brochure in a fancy Japanese hotel (history makes the Japanese concerned about this). He said "Oh, here's my boyfriend" in the the same way he said "Oh, here's the title of my new book".

Awww, David Sedaris is all about the love. Who knew?

(Note: the signing went on until 1 in the morning. It started at 7pm. When he said that no book would go unsigned I didn't think he meant the whole store!

Belmont Blowdown

Well, I'm not going to say I told you so cause I am disappointed. But when I heard the guarantee for a win by Big Brown's trainer my heart totally sank. And no matter how many times they trot out Rick Detrow's "lover and mother of his child was a crackhead who was murdered and his dad didn't love him and he once lived on the backside" story my heart is not going to get warmed. I still think the guy's an asshole. And after watching the coverage all day, besides getting sick of the same commercials over and over, I also got tired of ESPN's effort at manufacturing a heartwarming story where there was none. (The Kent Desormeux son story was another matter entirely.)

I realize 7 hours is a lot of coverage to fill, especially when it seems there's not much competition and everyone is pretty lightly raced, but I think they can do better. (Though Bob Baffert calling Kenny Mayne a prick was classic sports television.) It seems they think the viewers won't simply care about the achievement itself, it now must be packaged with a carefully vetted appealing backstory. Reading some of the ESPN blogs last night, which were filled with misgivings about Big Brown's lack of previous challenges and how uncaptured the nation seemed (especially compared with the Smarty Party of 2004) the question became who are they trying to convince?

It also seemed ironic to me to be watching this kind of coverage on the day of Jim McKay's death, he who pioneered the heartwarming backstory that made you care about all the crazy stuff they used to show on "Wide World of Sports". I have to say they should have watched him more closely cause he did it right.

You've Got (real) Mail

As I was perusing this month's Ready Made magazine I saw their description of a website that guarantees mail, real mail. It's called postcrossings and I was immediately charmed. It's a website that hooks up people all over the world in a postcard network. Once you sign up you are provided with an address of another mail seeker you send them a card (with its tracking number it's tracked at the website). Then once your card is on the way someone else gets your address to send you a card. Just the thing to beat the no good mail blues.

So all you old school correspondants (me) or hardcore Griffin and Sabine fans (me too) check out postcrossings.

www.postcrossings.com

Triple Crown Glory?

Will Big Brown be able to pull it off tomorrow? I certainly hope so, after 30 years of waiting no one wants a Triple Crown winner more than this racing fan, but I gotta say I'm not completely convinced. I want to believe it's a done deal, like so many others do, then certain names pop in my head. Names like Charasmatic. Real Quiet. And Spectacular Bid , especially the Bid. Same scenerio with a loudmouth trainer who was then forced to scramble for an excuse after coming back empty handed in the Belmont. (A quarter crack would be an excellent excuse.) Perhaps it's just the years of waiting that have left me cynically sitting back with my arms crossed saying "Show me." But please know on the inside I'll cheering as loudly as anyone for the win.

Wish for a Traveler

As I write this my friend Andrew, a self proclaimed gypsy, is on the road taking the vintage motorcycle he rebuilt himself (The Silver Ghost-detail above) on a road trip to NYC, a journey he's documenting for Classic Motorcycle magazine. I'm excited for him but also more than a little envious. Besides a newborn, what could be more optimistic than a road trip? Especially one so suited to the individual, one whose purpose goes beyond caprice to something more like quest. Learning what the road can teach is always exciting. It makes me think of some lines I wrote a long time ago:

"when idle ideas root,

and he can no more not go

than he can tell why he must,

he packs...

because the mother road

and every road

is a pulse that throbs

from his wrist up his driving arm

and he knows the worth of journey

as much as the going

is the carrying inside

and the coming back home"

Good luck and bon voyage!

Further Proof That Yes, I am a Guy

In case anyone was looking for that definative proof of my latent guyness they could have found it when they saw me opening the laydown boxes on Monday and discovering the new Robert Parker Western, Resolution, which is the sequel to his fine, fine Appaloosa, one of my favorite Westerns ever. Though granted most guys, though excited, probably wouldn't have squealed girlishly while clutching the book to their chest, swooning over the prospect of further adventures with Cole and Hitch. At least I don't think so.

Oh I'm Sorry, Does My Blog Bore You?

Yeah, it doesn't seem like it would be comfortable to me either but she's a cat so I assume she wouldn't do it if wasn't comfortable.