Thanks a Lot D.H. Lawrence
"there must be more money, there must be more money"
These are the words that have been running through my head on one of those painfully annoying loops lately. I, and almost everyone in my circle, are struggling to make ends meet. We are the working poor like out of a movie by Michael Moore or Morgan Spurlock. There's worse off for sure but it's tough. Of all the fears that grab me, when I've been alone too long or when I am just too much in my own head, the money one is the worst.
"there must be more money, there must be more money"
When it comes it grabs me around my throat. It's a panic attack that feels like I am being restrained againest my will and I am kicking to free myself but can get no purchase. I grow increasingly frantic as I try and calm myself and the damn thing just keeps building and building. The fear lodges in my throat, filling it so I can't ask the question I most need to which is, "What will become of me?"
"there must be more money, there must be more money"
For most of my childhood my parents were divorced and I split my time between 2 households, one where there was plenty of money and one were there was not. I am sure that this effected the way I think about and use money to this day in ways that I haven't even figured out yet. Don't get me wrong, I was never in danger of living in a car or having to eat Alpo but it did force me to think about money earlier than a lot of kids.
"there must be more money, there must be more money"
Those words come from a short story by D. H. Lawrence called "The Rocking Horse Winner" which I discovered as a child as it was included in nearly every horsey anthology I devoured even though it's not really about horses at all. In it, a wealthy family loses its fortune and the youngest son comes to a bad end using his psychic gifts to help his handicapping uncle pick winners at the track to help keep the family afloat. It is without a doubt one of the most influencial pieces of writing I have ever read because it was one of those times you see your own heart articulated on the page by a stranger which is both exhilarating (I'm not alone!) and terrifying (We're all fucked!). The story keeps building as the boy hears the house saying over and over,
"there must be more money, there must be more money"
Thanks a lot D.H.
Labels: greatest hits
posted by Sam @ 11:01 AM
1 Comments:
Anonymous Kentuckianan here. I love this story too! Eventhough i have not read it in 30 or so years, it is one of my touchstones to my youth. I grew up in a decaying genteel (sp?) family. When my great gandparents passed within 3 months of each other (she from cancer, he from a broken heart) the debacle of greed that followed was stupifying to my 7 year old mind. There was a schism of major magnitude with my Grandma and her siblings as they scrambled and went behind her back to grab all they could. The result was my growing up with little or no contact with cousins who should have been like siblings and my Grandmother seeing siblings die without any reconcilliation.
Believe it or not, I come from a family that has roots in KY dating back to the 1770's and because of simple human want of more, my once proud and strong family has its sticks scattered in the wind with no prospect of us ever being the cohesive thing we once were.
My point, and I do have one, is that you are a good person and cannot allow yourself to get bogged down by the material bullshit of this ferral world we live in. Put another way, my good friend Dave Bills (God rest his soul) told me when I was just about to graduate from college with no prospects for gainful employment that I should just take a book and find a nice shady tree and read and that eventually all would be put to rights. I know, pretty basic zen stuff BUT he was right. Soon after this I went to work for HCB and spent 12 years getting up and going to a job that I LOVED doing. The money was never great but I was satisfied. All I'm trying to say is keep your eyes on the things that bring you joy and the rest will follow.
I'm glad you are my friend and I hope to see you soon.
Mike
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