Let the Right One In

I screwed up. I don't know how to put it more unvarnished plain that that. I trusted someone who was not to be trusted, someone I myself described as "not one to be counted on" and now am being made heartily sorry for doing so.

My tangled mind keeps flashing on a movie I watched a few months back, a Swedish vampire movie called "Let the Right One In". The title references the fact that classical vampires never break in. Bound by surprisingly inflexiable etiquette (you would have thought after thousands of years the undead really would have found a way around that) they must be invited in. That's one reason why they are such insidious, get-under-your- skin kind of villians. We are made willing, even eager, accomplices in our own downfall by their easy charms. We offer our necks, our selves.

So it was with me. I invited the vampire in then was shocked when he tried to bite me. He didn't-except for the emotional wallop which has been extreme and the toll on my relationships with my nearest and dearest-I am fine. Left saddened and shaken, but fine.

(Makes me think of the fine line from The Bottle Rockets' "Smokin 100s Alone"-"happy that she kicked him out/but sad that he is gone")

But in that charged moment everything changed. Like a narrow miss on the highway-one thing done differently and it could have been much, much worse.

Now, he's gone.

As I predicted months ago he is so not the kind who stays. And now, because of how everything all shook down-my last words "I don't understand you", his reply "I know you don't"- I find myself in the very lonely position of being unable to mourn this loss of a friend. I feel the sting, of course, but when a friend proves to be the opposite no one who loves you wants to hear you miss him, forget even trying for empathy. You can't even offer any positives at all for fear of turning into "that girl". "That girl" who discovers that when someone has charmed you into being on your knees it can be damn hard to stand up again. Another apologetic crying "that girl" backed into making excuses for a man's bad behavior. That or owning I screwed up, I chose unwisely, I let the wrong one in.

I choose to own it. No matter the blow to pride, to peace, to faith in my own judgement.

I own this.

Thus, I screwed up, I chose unwisely, I let the wrong one in.